Grace. Something I SUCK at understanding, giving, and receiving.
I can’t pinpoint where exactly I failed to grasp this concept, because in all honesty, I’m pretty sure the world would stop spinning without it. Constantly, I have voices in my head:
You aren’t saying the right things to help that person who reached out to you.
How come you can’t finish a project you started? Where is your motivation?
You haven’t worked out in days, and your friends are working every day.
Crying in a Walmart parking lot is a really weak thing to do.
You should be doing things to further your business, but at the same time, you should also keep caring just as much about school, AND go to work, AND prioritize your long-term, long-distance relationship. You should!!
At this point in your life, how could you start a business that takes others years to establish? You don’t even have the supplies! You have no space. You still have to graduate.
The list goes on… and on. and on. And I am flat out exhausted by it.
I used to think I was doing a good thing by not having Snapchat on my phone, and not getting super caught up in Insta stories and all the other trendy things. It was my belief that I was somehow saving myself time and hurt by not putting so much worth into social media. But, friends, comparison can’t be juked, dodged, or avoided completely. I have my own versions of time-wasting, comparison-inducing things, like those stinking Facebook videos (it was literally a new years resolution to stop watching them, and I inevitably fail every day), and Pinterest, and of course, Instagram. I thought that saying I didn’t use Snapchat made me more present, down-to-earth, or responsible… WHAT?!
I daydream. That’s my Snapchat. I read blogs and research machines and seriously consider how I could afford a $5,000 letterpress machine to have my own business (laughable, right?). Whether daydreaming is actually a waste of time or not is a debate for later, but I have been particularly hard on myself lately about it (and other things).
Hebrews 4 verse 16 says,
“Therefore, let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” (NASB)
“Throne of grace,” are you serious?! Um, can I sit in it for two seconds? Can I at least stand next to it?!
It tells us to draw near with confidence, something I deeply lack. I’m ready to be more confident. Even writing this post – knowing it will be out in the world – freaks me out completely. I’m ready to give grace freely and immediately to others and stop judging them for things I do myself, one way or the other. I’m ready to start being more tender-hearted, loving myself and allowing some pretzel M&M’s, Seinfeld, and daydreaming about the future every once (or twice) in a while. Really, it’s okay. Stop freaking out.
A quote that jumped off my phone the other day while doing my devotional about being a fierce hearted woman is this:
“She is tender and resilient and complex and wonder-filled.”
Whoever she is, let me be her.